I hope to later add to this post, but as I haven't written now for awhile, I will begin my exploration of a new topic, although it will be fairly incomplete.
I have recently been considering the meaning of "passion". Not so much it's literal meaning (which, in it's most basic form simply means "a strong feeling or emotion") but the concept of living a life full of passion or having a relationship full of passion. Being drawn to this kind of idea, to living a passionate life, and often not feeling the level of passion i wish to, i have been considering that like many ideas i have explored in the past few years, perhaps my notions of passion as being a desirable state of being are a bit off. So, to start this exploration, I will quote a passage from the book I am currently reading: Magister Ludi by Hermann Hesse. Here is Hesse's insight:
"...[A]re not those who have such strong preferences and aversions simply more passionate natures, others just more sober and temperate?"
"'That seems to be true and yet it is not,' the Master replied, laughing. 'To be capable of everything and do justice to everything, one certainly does not need less spiritual force and elan and warmth, but more. What you call passion is not spiritual force, but friction between the soul and the outside world. Where passion dominates, that does not signify the presence of greater desire and ambition, but rather the misdirection of these qualities toward an isolated and false goal, with a consequent tension and sultriness in the atmosphere. Those who direct the maximum force of their desires toward the center, toward true being, toward perfection, seem quieter than the passionate souls because the flame of their fervor cannot always be seen. In argument, for example, they will not shout and wave their arms. But I assure you, they are nevertheless burning with subdued fires'"(69).
I think for the moment, I'm just gonna put this out there without personal commentary or interpretation as I feel I need more meditation on the concepts presented here. I would love some dialogue on the subject, so please comment if you feel compelled.
I suppose where this question really hits the spot for me is in the context of devotion. Passion is often a inward and outward display of devotion. What would a devotion look like that was built upon what Hesse is describing as "pure being"? And, suggesting that passion might be feeble grounds upon which to test the purity of devotion (as it is an extreme of feeling and therefore possibly falsifiable) how would one weed the need to feel extremes out of one's natural inclinations? For example, if you feel loved when someone acts passionately towards you, how then would you retrain yourself to feel loved in the absence of extreme emotion?
and that's it for tonight...
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Life in the Wilds
I believe the last posting here i wrote from South Korea...hard to process how much time has passed since then, and that it's coming up to a year since my time at L'abri. And so we name one consistency in life: time passes. The consistency is not, of course, in our perception of time passing...but in the passing of time itself.
So city life is over for now. My last blast in the Soul of Seoul. Azul and i find ourselves now in the wilds of New Mexico...literally. We are 3 hours off road driving from any city, the closest town being Pie Town--a tiny stopping point on the road for hungry travellers. New Mexico's state slogan says "NEW MEXICO, THE LAND OF ENCHANTMENT" and there truly is something sacred about this land...and more immediately noticeable...this overwhelming sky. So at the end of our days of long hours milking the goats or in the cheese room whipping and jarring goat cheese, or tending to the many animals that need attention and nourishment...the walk back to our remote cabin at night and the walk to the farm in the transitional space of dawn make our daily journeys reminders of beauty and the sacredness of this spot. I could mention the difficulties of community and the struggles we have here...but i'll stay on the note of beauty...because, in the end, that's what we'll remember.
So city life is over for now. My last blast in the Soul of Seoul. Azul and i find ourselves now in the wilds of New Mexico...literally. We are 3 hours off road driving from any city, the closest town being Pie Town--a tiny stopping point on the road for hungry travellers. New Mexico's state slogan says "NEW MEXICO, THE LAND OF ENCHANTMENT" and there truly is something sacred about this land...and more immediately noticeable...this overwhelming sky. So at the end of our days of long hours milking the goats or in the cheese room whipping and jarring goat cheese, or tending to the many animals that need attention and nourishment...the walk back to our remote cabin at night and the walk to the farm in the transitional space of dawn make our daily journeys reminders of beauty and the sacredness of this spot. I could mention the difficulties of community and the struggles we have here...but i'll stay on the note of beauty...because, in the end, that's what we'll remember.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
foresight
it is perhaps possible
that after pursuing what you love
and having lost it
"pursuing"
becomes an
arduous
pursuit
and inconsistency
which was once
a vacant concept
becomes a full house
that after pursuing what you love
and having lost it
"pursuing"
becomes an
arduous
pursuit
and inconsistency
which was once
a vacant concept
becomes a full house
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Transitional Consciousness
"I'm walking by the shores of consciousness. Waves of consciousness roll in, roll out, leave some writing, and just as quickly new waves roll in and erase it. I try to quickly read waht's written there, between one wave and the next, but it's hard. Before I can read it the next wave's washed it away. All that's left are puzzling fragments" (Murakami, Kafka on the Shore).
I have entered into a strange new ocean of consciousness. It feels different than anything i have experienced up until this point--there are tiny reference points that remind me of similar times and feelings where i can say "this is similar," but nothing identical, nothing just the same. I tend to describe such times as feeling like i'm dog paddling through unknown territory. That is the experience, but it shapes and shifts with the content of each new experience.
time dissolves.
there is no time.
past, present, future--circle around each other, play with each other, change identities and names.
symbols represent and point.
descriptions float without settling.
some may call this neurosis. According to Jung, neurosis is actually a way of working through an inner conflict:
Jung's theory of neurosis is based on the premise of a self-regulating psyche composed of tensions between opposing attitudes of the ego and the unconscious. A neurosis is a significant unresolved tension between these contending attitudes. Each neurosis is unique, and different things work in different cases, so no therapeutic method can be arbitrarily applied. Nevertheless, there is a set of cases that Jung especially addressed. Although adjusted well enough to everyday life, the individual has lost a fulfilling sense of meaning and purpose, and has no living religious belief to which to turn. There seems to be no readily apparent way to set matters right. In these cases, Jung turned to ongoing symbolic communication from the unconscious in the form of dreams and visions.
Resolution of the tension causing this type of neurosis involves a careful constructive study of the fantasies. The seriousness with which the individual (ego) must take the mythological aspects of the fantasies may compare with the regard that devoted believers have toward their religion. It is not merely an intellectual exercise, but requires the commitment of the whole person and realization that the unconscious has a connection to life-giving spiritual forces. Only a belief founded on direct experience with this process is sufficient to oppose, balance, and otherwise adjust the attitude of the ego.
When this process works, this type of neurosis may be considered a life-guiding gift from the unconscious, even though the personal journey forced upon the individual sometimes takes decades. This may seem absurd to someone looking at a neurosis from the attitude that it is always an illness that should not have to happen, expects the doctor to have a quick cure, and that fantasies are unreliable subjective experiences.
A significant aspect of Jung's theory of neurosis is how symptoms can vary by psychological type. The hierarchy of discriminating psychological functions gives each individual a dominant sensation, intuition, feeling, or thinking function preference with either an extroverted or introverted attitude. The dominant is quite under the control of the ego. But the inferior function remains a gateway for unconscious contents. This creates typical manifestations of inferior insight and behavior when extreme function one-sidedness accompanies the neurosis. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jung's_theory_of_neurosis)
I feel there is great importance to Jung's thought. Neurosis can be (and most likely is) something many individuals experience at one time or another (or perhaps multiple times) in their life. And it is something not to be feared. It is not a condition or label, simply a way one's mind works through something difficult. The key is not to get stuck there. With my nature, it seems such times and states occur often and for short periods during times of transition and rearrangement.
Hesse, in Steppenwolf, deconstructs our typified notions of "self" in a powerful scene towards the end of the book. In this scene, which takes place in a magical theater where one must surrender one's notion of "self" before entering, there is a man playing deconstructionist chess. The Steppenwolf enters, sits before the man, and see's he's playing chess with little pictoral fragments of the Steppenwolf's entire life/self. As the Steppenwolf watches in wonder, the man says the following:
The mistaken and unhappy notion that man is an enduring unity is known to you. It is also known to you that man consists of a multitude of souls, ofnumerous selves. The separation of the unity of the personality into these numerous pieces passes for madness. Science has invented the name schizophrenia for it. Science is in this so far right as no multiplicitymay be dealt with unless there is a series, a certain order and grouping.It is wrong insofar as it holds that one only and binding and lifelong order is possible for the multiplicity of subordinate selves. This error of science has many unpleasant consequences, and the single advantage of simplifying the work of the state-appointed pastors and masters and saving them the labors of original thought. In consequence of this error many persons pass for normal, and indeed for highly valuable members o fsociety, who are incurably mad; and many, on the other hand, are lookedupon as mad who are geniuses. Hence it is that we supplement the imperfect psychology of science by the conception that we call the art of buildingup the soul. We demonstrate to anyone whose soul has fallen to pieces thathe can rearrange these pieces of a previous self in whatever order he pleases, and so attain to an endless multiplicity of moves in the game of life. As the playwright shapes a drama from a handful of characters, so dowe from the pieces of the disintegrated self build up ever new groups,with ever new interplay and suspense, and new situations that are eternally inexhaustible. (Hesse, Steppenwolf)
I find much comfort in this concept of rearrangement. Often we tend to get stuck with certain options or strains of possibilities in our minds, unable to see that there are a multitude of possibilities and options, ways of configuring the pieces.
So here i am. I find myself in an elusive space of consciousness. I feel a strong pull of destiny and find myself questioning the concept of free will in the overall vision of life. At least in this season. I appreciate that such things as literature and nature can mentor me in such phases...that i am reading what it seems i should be reading, seeing such things that seem destined to be. Symbols and rearrangement. Symbols sparking up as little firecrackers on a dark beach...the only sound the roar of the endless waves. Textured crashing. Peace. Peace in the unknown. Peace with the unknown.
"Symbols are important...Symbols guide us to the roles we play" (Murakami, Kafka on the Shore).
I have entered into a strange new ocean of consciousness. It feels different than anything i have experienced up until this point--there are tiny reference points that remind me of similar times and feelings where i can say "this is similar," but nothing identical, nothing just the same. I tend to describe such times as feeling like i'm dog paddling through unknown territory. That is the experience, but it shapes and shifts with the content of each new experience.
time dissolves.
there is no time.
past, present, future--circle around each other, play with each other, change identities and names.
symbols represent and point.
descriptions float without settling.
some may call this neurosis. According to Jung, neurosis is actually a way of working through an inner conflict:
Jung's theory of neurosis is based on the premise of a self-regulating psyche composed of tensions between opposing attitudes of the ego and the unconscious. A neurosis is a significant unresolved tension between these contending attitudes. Each neurosis is unique, and different things work in different cases, so no therapeutic method can be arbitrarily applied. Nevertheless, there is a set of cases that Jung especially addressed. Although adjusted well enough to everyday life, the individual has lost a fulfilling sense of meaning and purpose, and has no living religious belief to which to turn. There seems to be no readily apparent way to set matters right. In these cases, Jung turned to ongoing symbolic communication from the unconscious in the form of dreams and visions.
Resolution of the tension causing this type of neurosis involves a careful constructive study of the fantasies. The seriousness with which the individual (ego) must take the mythological aspects of the fantasies may compare with the regard that devoted believers have toward their religion. It is not merely an intellectual exercise, but requires the commitment of the whole person and realization that the unconscious has a connection to life-giving spiritual forces. Only a belief founded on direct experience with this process is sufficient to oppose, balance, and otherwise adjust the attitude of the ego.
When this process works, this type of neurosis may be considered a life-guiding gift from the unconscious, even though the personal journey forced upon the individual sometimes takes decades. This may seem absurd to someone looking at a neurosis from the attitude that it is always an illness that should not have to happen, expects the doctor to have a quick cure, and that fantasies are unreliable subjective experiences.
A significant aspect of Jung's theory of neurosis is how symptoms can vary by psychological type. The hierarchy of discriminating psychological functions gives each individual a dominant sensation, intuition, feeling, or thinking function preference with either an extroverted or introverted attitude. The dominant is quite under the control of the ego. But the inferior function remains a gateway for unconscious contents. This creates typical manifestations of inferior insight and behavior when extreme function one-sidedness accompanies the neurosis. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jung's_theory_of_neurosis)
I feel there is great importance to Jung's thought. Neurosis can be (and most likely is) something many individuals experience at one time or another (or perhaps multiple times) in their life. And it is something not to be feared. It is not a condition or label, simply a way one's mind works through something difficult. The key is not to get stuck there. With my nature, it seems such times and states occur often and for short periods during times of transition and rearrangement.
Hesse, in Steppenwolf, deconstructs our typified notions of "self" in a powerful scene towards the end of the book. In this scene, which takes place in a magical theater where one must surrender one's notion of "self" before entering, there is a man playing deconstructionist chess. The Steppenwolf enters, sits before the man, and see's he's playing chess with little pictoral fragments of the Steppenwolf's entire life/self. As the Steppenwolf watches in wonder, the man says the following:
The mistaken and unhappy notion that man is an enduring unity is known to you. It is also known to you that man consists of a multitude of souls, ofnumerous selves. The separation of the unity of the personality into these numerous pieces passes for madness. Science has invented the name schizophrenia for it. Science is in this so far right as no multiplicitymay be dealt with unless there is a series, a certain order and grouping.It is wrong insofar as it holds that one only and binding and lifelong order is possible for the multiplicity of subordinate selves. This error of science has many unpleasant consequences, and the single advantage of simplifying the work of the state-appointed pastors and masters and saving them the labors of original thought. In consequence of this error many persons pass for normal, and indeed for highly valuable members o fsociety, who are incurably mad; and many, on the other hand, are lookedupon as mad who are geniuses. Hence it is that we supplement the imperfect psychology of science by the conception that we call the art of buildingup the soul. We demonstrate to anyone whose soul has fallen to pieces thathe can rearrange these pieces of a previous self in whatever order he pleases, and so attain to an endless multiplicity of moves in the game of life. As the playwright shapes a drama from a handful of characters, so dowe from the pieces of the disintegrated self build up ever new groups,with ever new interplay and suspense, and new situations that are eternally inexhaustible. (Hesse, Steppenwolf)
I find much comfort in this concept of rearrangement. Often we tend to get stuck with certain options or strains of possibilities in our minds, unable to see that there are a multitude of possibilities and options, ways of configuring the pieces.
So here i am. I find myself in an elusive space of consciousness. I feel a strong pull of destiny and find myself questioning the concept of free will in the overall vision of life. At least in this season. I appreciate that such things as literature and nature can mentor me in such phases...that i am reading what it seems i should be reading, seeing such things that seem destined to be. Symbols and rearrangement. Symbols sparking up as little firecrackers on a dark beach...the only sound the roar of the endless waves. Textured crashing. Peace. Peace in the unknown. Peace with the unknown.
"Symbols are important...Symbols guide us to the roles we play" (Murakami, Kafka on the Shore).
Monday, May 18, 2009
Further promised exploration
so i come back to my promised exploration of future possibilities...
as odd as it may first seem, my thoughts on the issue involve Korean culture. Choosing to stay in Korea involves, of course, a certain amount of assimilation out of simple respect for being a guest here. I find daily that the principles i live by, in their very nature, threaten the core values linked with being a woman in Korea. For example, simply showing my shoulders on a hot day is a sign of immodesty. Students tell their American teachers all the time that they would be more beautiful if they got plastic surgery. Appearance is everything. No Korean wants a sloppy, fat American raising their children to be the leaders of the new post-Japanese ruled South Korea. And so i choose--is this a place where i will further cultivate the qualities i find valuable--the universal "goods" of human flourishment.
i am hesitant to say what these "goods" are...as i am hesitant to claim anything that goes beyond what we as limited knowers are capable of claiming. But i would say that gentleness, love, kindness, awareness (both of self and others), purity, compassionate action...these are "goods" i think are valuable and that we can describe. Definition does violence, description enables dialogue.
I believe as human beings we are laden with potentialities. The potential we have to do harm (to ourselves and others) is limitless within the bounds of being finite. The potential we have to do good is limitless within the bounds of being finite. We generally, of course, work out of both sides of potentialities. Our responsibility therein lies in choosing the direction of development we see valuable to pursue. The difference between Hitler and Mother Teresa is not in nature but in what directions they chose to move in.
So there are multiple ways of being within the world.
We are responsible for the direction we choose to move in.
Environments affect our psychology. The people we surround ourselves with, the trees, the architecture, the land.
If our environments affect our psychology they affect our growth. If we are responsible for pursuing human flourishment within ourselves and the world we are therefore responsible for the environments we choose to be in. We are responsible for our awareness of how our environment affects us.
For instance, if i feel that this is a critical time in my life for me to cultivate a greater sense of gentleness...it is my responsibility to surround myself with those that have cultivated this quality to a higher level.
...........................
all of this to say...
i am considering the responsibilities at hand with my current decision brainstorming. Staying in Korea would provide me with a cushiness financially i have not experienced. This could lead to opportunities i have not been able to avail myself of in the past due to limited finances. The ability to go to India, for instance. Relationally I cannot anticipate the benefits of staying in Korea aside from the fact that there are a couple people here i care for deeply. The affects of Korean culture on my own psychological development may, however, not prove beneficial. Is it healthy and timely for me to choose to place myself in a shame-based culture? Is not shame an aspect i have been working to free myself from my entire life?
going back to the states also has its complexities as the unfolding of what would be to come there is almost un-anticipatable, especially through writing. The spirit of what i would be doing there, on the other hand, is in line with what i consider my true self to be...it is the direction i feel i am heading externally as i have come to peace with my internal self. I have realized more so than ever since i've been here what my desires and visions for life are. I want a life that is extremely earthy and at the same time bathed in sacred splendor. I want to surround myself with those that are seekers, honest questioners, lovers, wanderers, believers in miracles. I want a life that touches freedom with one hand and goodness on the other. Again, i feel i know what i value and want...i just have no idea where to find it.
I DESPISE MONEY. I DISAGREE WITH LIFE BEING RULED BY IT.
yet, i have not found liberation as of yet from financial anxiety. it is possible that i will only experience freedom once i have learned to receive love. Giving is much easier than receiving, i find. Giving only takes something to give. Receiving takes humility.
the relational aspect of going back to the states adds a further dimension that i am going to choose not to delve into here. what romantic love is and whether or not you experience love the same after being broken by it are questions that i must explore alone, i think. there are always stories and exceptions to what is common...but in the end...when it comes to love...it comes down to you, your gifts, your limitations and the Spirit.
Sometimes i feel there is a pull of destiny on me. I refrain from using religious terminology here as i'm hesitant to talk about how the Divine acts in our daily lives. I'm convinced the Divine does, i'd just rather not make any claims as to how, when, where, and why.
So those are my thoughts. Long winded and rambling and overconviluded...but my honest questions at this crossroad.
There is so much sacred beauty all over. Touches of God. I have to remind myself not to loose sight of it, not to miss those tender strokes.
as odd as it may first seem, my thoughts on the issue involve Korean culture. Choosing to stay in Korea involves, of course, a certain amount of assimilation out of simple respect for being a guest here. I find daily that the principles i live by, in their very nature, threaten the core values linked with being a woman in Korea. For example, simply showing my shoulders on a hot day is a sign of immodesty. Students tell their American teachers all the time that they would be more beautiful if they got plastic surgery. Appearance is everything. No Korean wants a sloppy, fat American raising their children to be the leaders of the new post-Japanese ruled South Korea. And so i choose--is this a place where i will further cultivate the qualities i find valuable--the universal "goods" of human flourishment.
i am hesitant to say what these "goods" are...as i am hesitant to claim anything that goes beyond what we as limited knowers are capable of claiming. But i would say that gentleness, love, kindness, awareness (both of self and others), purity, compassionate action...these are "goods" i think are valuable and that we can describe. Definition does violence, description enables dialogue.
I believe as human beings we are laden with potentialities. The potential we have to do harm (to ourselves and others) is limitless within the bounds of being finite. The potential we have to do good is limitless within the bounds of being finite. We generally, of course, work out of both sides of potentialities. Our responsibility therein lies in choosing the direction of development we see valuable to pursue. The difference between Hitler and Mother Teresa is not in nature but in what directions they chose to move in.
So there are multiple ways of being within the world.
We are responsible for the direction we choose to move in.
Environments affect our psychology. The people we surround ourselves with, the trees, the architecture, the land.
If our environments affect our psychology they affect our growth. If we are responsible for pursuing human flourishment within ourselves and the world we are therefore responsible for the environments we choose to be in. We are responsible for our awareness of how our environment affects us.
For instance, if i feel that this is a critical time in my life for me to cultivate a greater sense of gentleness...it is my responsibility to surround myself with those that have cultivated this quality to a higher level.
...........................
all of this to say...
i am considering the responsibilities at hand with my current decision brainstorming. Staying in Korea would provide me with a cushiness financially i have not experienced. This could lead to opportunities i have not been able to avail myself of in the past due to limited finances. The ability to go to India, for instance. Relationally I cannot anticipate the benefits of staying in Korea aside from the fact that there are a couple people here i care for deeply. The affects of Korean culture on my own psychological development may, however, not prove beneficial. Is it healthy and timely for me to choose to place myself in a shame-based culture? Is not shame an aspect i have been working to free myself from my entire life?
going back to the states also has its complexities as the unfolding of what would be to come there is almost un-anticipatable, especially through writing. The spirit of what i would be doing there, on the other hand, is in line with what i consider my true self to be...it is the direction i feel i am heading externally as i have come to peace with my internal self. I have realized more so than ever since i've been here what my desires and visions for life are. I want a life that is extremely earthy and at the same time bathed in sacred splendor. I want to surround myself with those that are seekers, honest questioners, lovers, wanderers, believers in miracles. I want a life that touches freedom with one hand and goodness on the other. Again, i feel i know what i value and want...i just have no idea where to find it.
I DESPISE MONEY. I DISAGREE WITH LIFE BEING RULED BY IT.
yet, i have not found liberation as of yet from financial anxiety. it is possible that i will only experience freedom once i have learned to receive love. Giving is much easier than receiving, i find. Giving only takes something to give. Receiving takes humility.
the relational aspect of going back to the states adds a further dimension that i am going to choose not to delve into here. what romantic love is and whether or not you experience love the same after being broken by it are questions that i must explore alone, i think. there are always stories and exceptions to what is common...but in the end...when it comes to love...it comes down to you, your gifts, your limitations and the Spirit.
Sometimes i feel there is a pull of destiny on me. I refrain from using religious terminology here as i'm hesitant to talk about how the Divine acts in our daily lives. I'm convinced the Divine does, i'd just rather not make any claims as to how, when, where, and why.
So those are my thoughts. Long winded and rambling and overconviluded...but my honest questions at this crossroad.
There is so much sacred beauty all over. Touches of God. I have to remind myself not to loose sight of it, not to miss those tender strokes.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
A thought?
"If it is neither thought nor mind that arouses thought,
what is it that arouses this thought?
Take hold of this question and never let go of it
until you find the answer"
Master Seo Bool Sunim
what is it that arouses this thought?
Take hold of this question and never let go of it
until you find the answer"
Master Seo Bool Sunim
Saturday, May 16, 2009
cloudy sky, cloudy perceptions
i woke up this morning on a heated Korean floor, the sky streaming with dark clouds, the air fresh and brisk and dreamy. There is nothing more conducive for my dreaming self than such weather. A cacophony of art formations in the sky. A cup of hot coffee to be rained in between sips. A cigarette.
Hesse begins his book Demian with a question that goes something like this: i desired only to live in accord with my true self...why was this so difficult?
And in theme with growing up and growing older, i find myself incapable of dreaming these days without asking myself--what should i be dreaming and, especially, what are the likely consequences of my dreams? Murakami in Kafka on the Shore explores the idea that responsibility starts in our dreams, or in imagination. Perhaps this is because our dreams are both telling of our core desires, which we are responsible for, and shape who we are becoming.
This brings me to my current dillema. Do i stay in Korea, find a teaching job, save money. Do i go back to the States, give the relationship i ran away from a legitimate try, and finally embody the bohemian Spirit that i keep repressing within me.
I will save exploring these options for my next post.
Hesse begins his book Demian with a question that goes something like this: i desired only to live in accord with my true self...why was this so difficult?
And in theme with growing up and growing older, i find myself incapable of dreaming these days without asking myself--what should i be dreaming and, especially, what are the likely consequences of my dreams? Murakami in Kafka on the Shore explores the idea that responsibility starts in our dreams, or in imagination. Perhaps this is because our dreams are both telling of our core desires, which we are responsible for, and shape who we are becoming.
This brings me to my current dillema. Do i stay in Korea, find a teaching job, save money. Do i go back to the States, give the relationship i ran away from a legitimate try, and finally embody the bohemian Spirit that i keep repressing within me.
I will save exploring these options for my next post.
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