Further promised exploration

so i come back to my promised exploration of future possibilities...

as odd as it may first seem, my thoughts on the issue involve Korean culture. Choosing to stay in Korea involves, of course, a certain amount of assimilation out of simple respect for being a guest here. I find daily that the principles i live by, in their very nature, threaten the core values linked with being a woman in Korea. For example, simply showing my shoulders on a hot day is a sign of immodesty. Students tell their American teachers all the time that they would be more beautiful if they got plastic surgery. Appearance is everything. No Korean wants a sloppy, fat American raising their children to be the leaders of the new post-Japanese ruled South Korea. And so i choose--is this a place where i will further cultivate the qualities i find valuable--the universal "goods" of human flourishment.

i am hesitant to say what these "goods" are...as i am hesitant to claim anything that goes beyond what we as limited knowers are capable of claiming. But i would say that gentleness, love, kindness, awareness (both of self and others), purity, compassionate action...these are "goods" i think are valuable and that we can describe. Definition does violence, description enables dialogue.

I believe as human beings we are laden with potentialities. The potential we have to do harm (to ourselves and others) is limitless within the bounds of being finite. The potential we have to do good is limitless within the bounds of being finite. We generally, of course, work out of both sides of potentialities. Our responsibility therein lies in choosing the direction of development we see valuable to pursue. The difference between Hitler and Mother Teresa is not in nature but in what directions they chose to move in.

So there are multiple ways of being within the world.
We are responsible for the direction we choose to move in.

Environments affect our psychology. The people we surround ourselves with, the trees, the architecture, the land.
If our environments affect our psychology they affect our growth. If we are responsible for pursuing human flourishment within ourselves and the world we are therefore responsible for the environments we choose to be in. We are responsible for our awareness of how our environment affects us.

For instance, if i feel that this is a critical time in my life for me to cultivate a greater sense of gentleness...it is my responsibility to surround myself with those that have cultivated this quality to a higher level.

...........................

all of this to say...
i am considering the responsibilities at hand with my current decision brainstorming. Staying in Korea would provide me with a cushiness financially i have not experienced. This could lead to opportunities i have not been able to avail myself of in the past due to limited finances. The ability to go to India, for instance. Relationally I cannot anticipate the benefits of staying in Korea aside from the fact that there are a couple people here i care for deeply. The affects of Korean culture on my own psychological development may, however, not prove beneficial. Is it healthy and timely for me to choose to place myself in a shame-based culture? Is not shame an aspect i have been working to free myself from my entire life?

going back to the states also has its complexities as the unfolding of what would be to come there is almost un-anticipatable, especially through writing. The spirit of what i would be doing there, on the other hand, is in line with what i consider my true self to be...it is the direction i feel i am heading externally as i have come to peace with my internal self. I have realized more so than ever since i've been here what my desires and visions for life are. I want a life that is extremely earthy and at the same time bathed in sacred splendor. I want to surround myself with those that are seekers, honest questioners, lovers, wanderers, believers in miracles. I want a life that touches freedom with one hand and goodness on the other. Again, i feel i know what i value and want...i just have no idea where to find it.

I DESPISE MONEY. I DISAGREE WITH LIFE BEING RULED BY IT.

yet, i have not found liberation as of yet from financial anxiety. it is possible that i will only experience freedom once i have learned to receive love. Giving is much easier than receiving, i find. Giving only takes something to give. Receiving takes humility.

the relational aspect of going back to the states adds a further dimension that i am going to choose not to delve into here. what romantic love is and whether or not you experience love the same after being broken by it are questions that i must explore alone, i think. there are always stories and exceptions to what is common...but in the end...when it comes to love...it comes down to you, your gifts, your limitations and the Spirit.

Sometimes i feel there is a pull of destiny on me. I refrain from using religious terminology here as i'm hesitant to talk about how the Divine acts in our daily lives. I'm convinced the Divine does, i'd just rather not make any claims as to how, when, where, and why.

So those are my thoughts. Long winded and rambling and overconviluded...but my honest questions at this crossroad.

There is so much sacred beauty all over. Touches of God. I have to remind myself not to loose sight of it, not to miss those tender strokes.